


a list of impossible things

by absolutelyamethyst



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Gen, Nile thinks about things, Nile-centric, a tag that will never be as ironic as it is in this moment, few characters mentioned bc I've only seen the movie once, i don't even know what this is, no beta we die like men, ramble/drabble thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:20:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25663528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/absolutelyamethyst/pseuds/absolutelyamethyst
Summary: It’s all so clear, in the beginning.
Kudos: 33





	a list of impossible things

It’s all so clear, in the beginning. 

Boot camp. Base camp. Names and faces. The sound her tags make when they rattle together on the chain around her neck. The way the sun looks when it rises, stretches out over the mountains, all gold rings and blinding scarlet. 

She remembers the faces of her family, her mother and her brother. She remembers the day her father died, remembers the dissonance, the grief, the pain. 

It’s all different now. Everything’s different. 

Pain has a new meaning too. 

And it’s all a lot. Too much. She doesn’t let herself think about it--she locks up if she does, and she learned a while ago that she’s no good to anyone if she does that. 

She makes a list. Titles it  _ “a list of impossible things” _ . Puts her name at the top, because...well. 

She hides it at first. From all of them, except that one time Andy walks into the room as she’s writing and she knows from the look on her face that she saw it, but Andy is Andy and she doesn’t say anything, just shoots her a look that says she  _ knows.  _

She buys a different journal, after that. Smaller, leather-bound in brown and tied with a string. Fits wherever she needs it to. 

She goes without it, sometimes, eventually takes to keeping it on her. It’s a part of her--it’s who she is. Her whole self, locked up in pages. Fear trapped between horizontal lines.

She adds the fear to her list, just in case that fades too, in time. 

Time--she doesn’t know how much of that she has left. 

She doesn’t think about that either. 

She’s no good to anyone if she worries--no good to anyone, most of all herself. 

She makes a list. 

It’s filled with impossibilities. 

**Author's Note:**

> anyway, thanks for reading (?) idk what this is but kudos/comments are nice <3


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